Shame and Sex in the Marriage Bed

Posted on March 1, 2012 by jmdeyoung

Problems with married sex are not rooted in frequency. Unfortunately in our culture sexual frequency has become the primary measure for healthy sexuality – resulting in women feeling pressured and men feeling as if they are missing out. The marriage bed is experienced as disappointing and inadequate. We have sex in darkened rooms so we can hide.

The true problem of married sex is shame. Shame, the feeling that “I am bad” or “Something is wrong with me”, creates distance and hurt in marriage. These relational gaps begin as small injuries that build into ever-widening chasms of distance where the couple see a distant and disconnected view of the other. The passion that they once felt feels hopelessly lost and unable to rekindle. The relational injuries are not necessarily sexual in nature. They are the little criticisms, being too busy, and becoming too self-focused. Most marriages have the resiliency to bounce back from these moments. But when the injury touches a deep nerve of shame from our past, then the first cracks of the chasm begin.

The first time he does not notice the special outfit that you bought. The criticism of you in front of your friends. Forgetting the special day. Leaving you home alone to go out with friends. The seeds of weeds that choke out any growth and blossoming of the relationship. They are reminders of our past rejections, and hurts.

Genesis describes healthy marital sexuality in Eden as, “Now the man and wife were both naked and they felt no shame.” Adam and Eve had nothing to hide because they had no fear of rejection. Nobody was keeping score. There was no history of past rejection.

How can sexuality in marriage return to this ideal? Nakedness is the highest form of vulnerability. Couples need to strive for vulnerability through empathy. Vulnerable enough to share what I think and feel. Empathy with what our partner thinks and feels is what reduces shame. When we feel understood through empathy we become more willing to expose our true selves. Healthy empathy in marriage results when both partners commit to sharing their needs and being willing to hear their partner’s needs. Unfortunately we sometimes struggle with sharing our feelings because our shame convinces us that our feelings will be rejected by being ignored or argued with.

Be willing to risk sharing. Make yourself vulnerable – Be willing to risk being empathetic. Invite vulnerability. Get naked.

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Confession in Marriage – Becoming Vulnerable

Posted on February 3, 2012 by jmdeyoung

Communication techniques are one of the most commonly recommended resources available for couples. The thought seems to be, by improving our ability to speak ideas and listen we will get along better. Though we all need to communicate well, many of these techniques are insufficient for increasing and solidifying intimacy in marriage. Deeper connections in marriage are more the result of confession than communication. Confession makes us vulnerable and vulnerability is necessary for true intimacy. Unfortunately for many of us our fear of vulnerability frequently results in us retreating.

Confession in marriage means we are willing to share our deepest parts. We are willing to talk about our successes and our failures. We are willing to share our disappointments and our dreams. We are willing to express our gratitude and our hurts. We are willing to share our shame. Sharing these deepest parts means we are risking rejection.

Playing it safe in relationships is ultimately unsatisfying and disconnecting. We never come to know our spouse and their true self. The masks we continue to wear grows distance. The increasing distance in the marriage leads to distrust and misunderstanding and ultimately divorce.

One idea for increasing intimacy and confession is to write down your imagined future together. If the marriage is at is best, what will the two of you be doing in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. What do you dream of doing? I recently had a conversation with my wife much like this and was reminded of a deep desire of her heart that had been supplanted by time and distractions. I had never intentionally ignored her desires but life got in the way. I am now refocused on some of her deepest heart desires as she is mine.

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Conflict in Marriage

Posted on February 3, 2012 by jmdeyoung

It is almost universal. At least I hear it and observe it often in my work with couples. One of the characteristics of our spouse that originally attracted us to them becomes annoying and an incredible frustration. Our husband with a great sense of humor is cracking jokes and paying attention to everyone else. Our wife who was organized and kept a great house seems to be too critical of the way clothes get folded. The increased stresses of life (career, children, finances) combine with these little annoyances to create explosions of conflict.

I think there are three primary types of conflict patterns with couples – Collision course, Cyclical, and Comatose.

Collision Course

This couple has the most explosive conflicts and is probably represented by about a third of all couples. Both partners seek to vehemently point out blame and defend their positions with each other. To the casual observer, conflicts with these couples are intimidating and sometimes even frightening, leading one to fear an imminent end to the relationship. But frequently it is the conflict with these couples that seems to hold them together.

Cyclical

The Cyclical couple has been called in other literature, the Pursue – Withdraw pattern in couples. This form of conflict represents almost two-thirds of couples. One partner confronts the other and the ensuing discomfort causes the other partner to withdraw, leading the more aggressive partner to pursue in a never ending cycle.

Comatose

The Comatose couple is the marriage that is typically described as “never fighting.” Never having conflict is an impossibility, but with this couple the fights are ignored or conducted in silence. Issues are left on the table for years to gather dust. The level of energy in this marriage is low and communication is highly limited.

All three of these conflict patterns have their advantages and their disadvantages. No one of them is necessarily better than the other. The solution is the same for all of them. The solution is not based in some formula for good communication. Insight and therapy will not break the deadlock. It is actually rather simple. It starts with the self-control to make choices and break the patterns of conflict.

The solution is to reestablish a sense of equity through service. If your spouse feels you pressure them too much, give them space. If you run away from conflict, make a commitment to engage and process the issue. If you tend to point out blame, hold up a mirror and examine your own contribution to the problem. Take responsibility for yourself and make a commitment to connect with your spouse in a way that makes them feel safe.

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Connection in Marriage

Posted on January 24, 2012 by jmdeyoung

Increasing intimacy and connection in marriage is the goal of most couples, but eludes many. There are many factors that contribute to blocking our efforts to grow closer. Disappointments, stresses, relational injuries, fears, misunderstandings, selfishness are some of the factors that distance us.

Attachment theory offers some guidelines for deepening our marital connections. At its very core, attachment theory is about the dance of closeness and distance in relationships and how the parameters of this dance promote physical and emotional safety. Marriage consists of two wounded and imperfect people attempting to provide that sense of physical and emotional safety. How can we as couples overcome our brokenness and establish deeper and more stable connections?

We must make conscious decisions to do the following three things:

We need to be Available. This means being acutely aware our our need to be consistently present in the life of our spouse. We will always have periods of absence. Our absences may be the result of external pressures (work, family demands, etc.) or an internal need for space. Regardless of the cause, we must make an effort to be physically and emotionally present for the needs of our spouse and when we are absent reassure our spouse of when we will reconnect.

We need to be Attuned. All relationships have a dance of giving and receiving signals. We know each other’s moods and we are willing to share our mood, probably the latter more than the former. Attunement suggests we make a concerted effort to be aware of our partners feelings, stresses, joys, and needs, – we are equally willing to honestly share our feelings, stresses, joys and needs. This reciprocal exchange remains relatively balanced in power, where the exchange of information is generally equal across partners.

We should be Absorbed with our partner. This means our primary attention, energies, and physical presence is with our partner. We reserve our very best of ourselves for them. We fully engage with our spouse when needed, and are willing drop all other attention grabbers to ensure our spouse is valued and honored.

These three attributes of a healthy marriage can be derailed by numerous detractors. Maybe we remember how our spouse has been absent from the home for extended periods. Our work or the children have been increasingly demanding. We have a long history of family members or friends who have injured our trust in others. We may fear sharing some of our deepest needs, worrying that they may be rejected or minimized. We make assumptions, and we focus all too often on our self.

To keep the marriage on track to deeper and stronger connections we need to make daily, conscious efforts to be available, attuned and absorbed.

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Creation in Marriage

Posted on January 10, 2012 by jmdeyoung

I recently attended a presentation by Dr. Meredith Small (Cornell University) who shared some insights about marriage. She reported that she had examined marriage from evolutionary, anthropological, and sociological viewpoints and came to the conclusion that the primary purpose of marriage was for cooperation. Though cooperation serves a vital role in marriage it is only a partial picture of purpose.

Moses explained the purpose of marriage in Genesis using the idea of two people joining together to make something new. “…and the two are united into one.” And some centuries later Paul referenced Moses as a support for the need for husbands and wives to be mutually submissive, “submit to one another.” Marriage at its best is a denial of self (my interests, wants) for the purpose of creating a mutually beneficial relational system that transcends the individual spouses. Sacrifice is the norm. The focus is external and the question asked is, “What can I do for you?”

Our culture unfortunately makes oneness and submission in marriage difficult. Materialism and individualism become distractions. Feminism and fundamentalism, both from opposite ends of the spectrum, promote relational ideals that hinder intimacy and connection. Our cultural experience with marriage suggests the ideal is achieved when I find a soulmate who understands me and meets my needs. Self-esteem is the norm. The focus is inward and the question typically asked is, “What have you done for me lately?”

But marriage in its best moments is about the creation of something that is greater than one man and one woman. Marriage shapes and creates something greater than self. Yes, viewing marriage through the lens of cooperation can be useful, but I think it is incomplete. The cooperation view leads couples to a ledger approach in which spouses keep a tally of their reciprocal exchanges, hoping things are even and protesting when things are not (look at what I contribute, does your contribution match?). A mutually submissive view focuses on personal sacrifice for the gain of the couple as a whole. Sacrifice redeems husband and wife together.

So let me offer some questions for reflection:

1. What wounds from my past (family of origin, past relationships) make it difficult for me to sacrifice? I would suggest these wounds are core seeds for fears that keep us in a protective stance from being completely vulnerable.
2. In what ways is my marriage “more” or “greater” because “two have become one.” How is the “two become one” practically played out in your married life? More specifically, what is your most recent memory of feeling connected with your spouse in a way that promoted feelings of security?

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